Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Name Needed

I need to come up with a name for a certain posture.

The posture is adopted by helpful fathers crouched over in front of their children and their children's chums, doing up ice skates at the local outdoor rink.

The physical nature of this crouching behaviour is as follows: Back at 45 degree angle to vertical, knees slightly bent, skate between legs, frozen and bleeding fingers in use tying up laces at the outdoor ice rink.  Wind howling, nose dripping, fingers beginning to cramp as the 4th pair is secured to the up-stretched appendage.

Part of this peculiar stance comes from clutching the child's skate between the legs, its razor sharp blade uncomfortably close to one's scrotum and other accessories.

The other peculiarity is a result of the fathers pranged up and sore back, the shooting pains appearing as electrical sparks erupting from beneath the back of the fathers winter coat. 

The pain is somewhat diminished by seeing his charges hurtling downwind on the ice, red cheeks grinning, old ladies being bowled out of the way like ten-pins. 

My pain was also diminished by thinking of somehow securing the hot chocolate dispensing license for the new outdoor facility.  I'd make a fortune.

Monday, December 13, 2010


TV Announcer: “We are live at the NESCAR 500 - the biggest race on the National Electric Stock Car circuit, as drivers compete for the Smug Cup.”

“Hi everyone, I’m Bryce Malmsley, along with Hubert Throckmorton, and we are about to start the race.  Let’s go trackside to Jordan Buckminster the 3rd.” 

“All of the major manufacturers are in this race, Bryce…The Toyota Prius is well represented, as are other hybrids like the Ford Focus, Chevy Volt, Pontiac Ohm, Volvo Current, Kia Circuit Breaker, and the Fiat Electrical Meter.  Several cars are even AC/DC – not that there’s anything wrong with that.” 

“Let’s listen in to the track announcer and the famous phrase heard at electric car races everywhere…”

Track Announcer: “Ladies and gentlemen!  Turn on your engines!  Are they on?  I can’t hear anything.  OK – would drivers please wave if your engine is on?  Maybe turn up your radios so we can hear something.  Good.”

TV Announcer: “The green flag made of natural fibers is waving here as the pit crews unplug their cars and we get our race under way.  And they’re off!  We are silently under way and – oh dear!  Number 29 is going backwards!  Someone must have put his battery in the wrong way!  Wow – almost a tragedy right at the start of our race…”

“Number 29 is Dickie Monmouth.  He has a lot of experience in the ‘AA,’ ‘C,’ and ‘D’ racing leagues, but there are a few rookies on his crew.  That mix-up is bound to cause some red faces back in the pits...”

“We’ve got some real action here today, folks.  All of our contenders are bunched up on the back straight as they zoom through the school zone at a reduced 20 miles per hour!  Let’s listen in on their radio chatter…”

      “So Preston, how about a set of doubles after the heat abates?”
“Sounds spiffy!  Say – did you see what Philbert is wearing?  Isn’t that the tackiest jumpsuit you’ve ever seen?”
“You’re not kidding!  Listen – I’ve got to pull into the pits – my seatbelt is chafing.  Let’s chat on the next lap...”

“We have a report from trackside as the race continues…”

“I’m here in the pits as we approach our first fuel stop.  We should be able to hear the driver as he communicates with his crew…”

Driver: “I’ll have a tall latte with a shot of hazelnut please guys!  And a low fat cranberry muffin!  How about some fresh flowers on the dash here?  And maybe a shot of Febreeze – that track just reeks out there.  Thanks…”

“I must interrupt since there has been some sort of incident out on the track!  It looks like one of the cars did not signal a lane change, and the other drivers are gesticulating furiously!  They are yelling back and forth at each other as they zoom around the track at speeds of up to 35 miles per hour!  I can hear them from here!” 

“Number 19 is actually stopping to write a strongly worded letter!  Oh my, the action here is fast and furious.”

“As we go to our first facial and pedicure break, it’s the Toyota Prius in first, the Chevy Booster Cable humming along in second, and the Honda Conduit in third.  And now a word from our sponsor: Scrunch – the new decaf, non-fat, organic, free-range, world-saving, green toilet paper…”

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Saye Family Chronicle

Well it’s been another fun and exciting year in the Saye household!  Here is what has been going on:

Son number 1 (Diet Pep) has been busy wooing women with his sensuous and godlike trombone playing.  So far no joy on the job (or marriage) fronts so he remains at home where he remodels train stations to much fanfare, and builds suspension bridges in the back yard..

Son number 2 (Kamika) is travelling overseas and has not been heard from for many months.  If you should see him please ask him to call or write us c/o his sister Newjer at the address below.

Daughter #1 (Keska) is now studying in France at the famous Sore Bun University.  She lives with her cousins Vacant and Patrick Sway

My beloved wife Autop is still the town pathologist so people are just dying to meet her (as we say in the Saye household to much mirth).  She is the source of much turkey anatomy information while we enjoy our holiday dinners that’s for sure!

My brother Upsyday and his wife Current stopped by on the way to find their kids Vacant and Emba recently.  Current is also trying to track down her sister, Shameless Huss, who went walkabout some years ago. 

As for me, your tireless correspondent remains confident this year will be the best ever for the Saye family!


Whistlingdick Saye

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Silly Job Interview

“So – you’re applying for the position of Level 3 Mandarin Orange Tissue Wrapper are you?”

“Yes sir!  I think I have the required skill and education needed to wrap oranges in those little tissues – absolutely!”

“Let’s take a look at your resume.  Hmmm…BSc from Yale, Harvard MBA, summer fruit picking.  What kind of fruit did you pick?” 

“Peaches, mainly.  Some apricots.”

“You don’t have much relevant citrus fruit experience, do you?”

 “No sir, but one summer they let me put stickers on apples for a day or two.  I thought I’d aim for something in that area someday.”

“Well I’m afraid you’re just not qualified for this particular position.  We do have an opening in our management office, but I’m afraid it would mean having to work with computers and such, for a much higher salary.”

“I don’t want to sound snobby or anything, sir, but I think that sort of work is beneath me.  I went to Harvard for a reason and if I can’t wrap oranges or put stickers on apples then I guess I’ll just have to look elsewhere.”

“Follow your dream, young man.  All the best to you.  And if you ever feel you might want to join the lowly ranks of managers and office workers – you just give me a call.”

“Thank you for your time.”

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Nutmeg Scourge

Poison control centres across North America are being inundated with stupid kids trying to get high by smoking, snorting, licking, basting, and generally hanging out with nutmeg.  Yes - nutmeg - the new 'drug' of choice of really, really dumb kids.

Nutmeg, as we all know, is a gateway garnish - one which can lead to paprika, garlic powder or even cayenne.
From there it is an easy jump to the harder condiments - your mustards, relishes, and, yes - ketchup (shudder).

Speak to your children people.  Just say no to spices!  

This message brought to you by: C.A.V.E. - Citizens Against Virtually Everything.


Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

This weeks subject:

Christmas Trees

  • Big needles usually indicate a large stem
  • Pruning around the base makes it look bigger
  • Don't get over-excited if it's your first time flocking
  • You can smell the bushy ones through the whole house!