Saturday, April 30, 2011

British? You Decide...

I don't want to start a controversy or anything, but I would like to ask a question.

Is Kate Middleton actually British?  I mean - she has straight, lovely teeth.  It makes you wonder...

I, for one, would like to see a birth certificate.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

How to Kill Plants - Lesson 1 in a Series

First, uncoil your water hose (first time this spring - great excitement) and water everything in sight.

Next, leave the uncoiled, water-filled hose out overnight and next day allow the warm suns rays to heat the water therein to almost boiling temperature.

Then - spray your shrubs with the boiling hot water, not realizing that the water has reached the scalding point.

Now!  Watch the new leaves and shoots shrivel up and shreak at the top of their little planty voices "Nooooo!" as they recoil in horror at the assault on their teeny little selves. 

When wife notices withered plants, comment sagely "Huh - frost must have got them this year..." and wander off so she cannot see the guilty look on your face.

End of lesson 1.  Begin lesson 2 shortly I'm sure.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


My entry in Americas Funniest Humor Writing contest took 3rd place.  We are pleased.  Here is a link to my entry (roll over link to make it work):

A Daughterly Discussion

I had a very interesting discussion with my daughter on our way to Girl Guides tonight. She's 10.

Our discussion pertained to the relative advantages we would enjoy if humans had wings. Feathered wings.

I would like to share with you now, in popular bullet form, the salient points of this discussion:

  • First, we would not need cars or roads any longer.  We would just fly.  We like that.  Instead of bike racks we'd need some perches though.
  • The wings would be hidden inside our arms somehow - secret compartments maybe - so that we could just wiggle our arms and unfold them.
  • The feathers would only go to our shoulders so that we would not have to modify our t-shirts and we could still wear tank tops.  
  • One really great thing about flying would be the ability to fly over people we didn't like and poop on them.
  • We would not have feathers on our behinds or anything, so we would not be able to float like a duck.
  • We would still have hands and everything so we would still be able to use nail polish.  We could also eat normally and all that.
  • We would NOT have a beak.  No way.
By this time we were at Guides, so that was about it.  We hope you have enjoyed our thoughts. Good night.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't #14

About the Chicago Blackhawks...

I’d like to Frolik in your Klinkhammer

Johnson is known for his size

It hurts when I Pisani

You’re as big as a Hossa

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Soccer Coaching Issue

This year I am the Assistant Coach (note capitals) of my son's soccer team (The Disney Club Penguin Tigers!).

The coach is our family dentist.

This is leading to some confusion amongst both the players and myself as to terminology and positioning. When the coach gets excited he reverts to that which is familiar.

Our game today sounded something like this...

"OK - molars! Back up and cover the guy behind you!"

"Incisors - move up! Cover over here on the distal side!"

"You're an incisor! Stay in the middle of the field! Don't get all occluded back there - spread out!"

"Pass! You've got to pass to the open canine on the mesial anterior side you guys!"

We're learning...

Insurgency Redux

From an interview with a High Ranking Official of the United States Government.

Me: "Sir, we would like you to clarify your position with regard to events in the Middle East if you would be so kind."

Official: "Certainly - it is really quite straight forward."

Me: "Excellent. Now first of all, can you clarify who you are backing in the current Libya situation?"

Official: "Of course - we are backing the insurgents who are fighting for the freedom and democracy that they so richly deserve."

Me: "I see. So backing the insurgents is a good thing?"

Official: "Absolutely. These people are freedom fighters whom we respect a great deal. We will be supplying them with arms and technology to further their cause since it aligns so well with our own ideals of freedom and democracy."

Me: "So what about the insurgents in Iraq?"

Official: "Oh, they're bad. We don't like them."

Me: "But aren't they freedom fighters as well?"

Official: "Well, that's what they call themselves. But we know they are really insurgents fighting what they think is an, er, evil invader but really isn't."

Me: "I see. So insurgents are bad. What about the insurgents in Afghanistan?"

Official: "Are we talking about the first ones or the second ones?"

Me: "I guess the second ones."

Official: "Oh, they're bad. We don't like them at all. The first ones were good - they were fighting an evil invader. But these guys are evil invaders, so we kill them."

Me: "So let me get this straight. The first Afghan insurgents were good because they were fighting an evil invader, but now the second ones are bad because they are fighting an evil invader. The Iraq insurgents are bad because they are fighting what they think is an evil invader but isn't, and the Libyan insurgents are good because, what, no evil has invaded yet?"

Official: "Clear as day, isn't it?"

Me: "Well thank you very much for clarifying things."

Official: "My pleasure. Any time. I was born in Hawaii you know..."

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't #13

Relating to Spring Cleaning:

  • Work from the top down, inside to outside
  • Rinse those hard to reach places with vinegar and water
  • Use a Swiffer on your hardwood
  • Wipe your squeegee after each stroke

A Rant, If I May

I have just finished filling in another field trip consent form for my children.

Can anyone explain to me why I have to put down their health care card number on each and every form?  Why is this so important?  It makes my vivid imagination run wild...

"Mr. Crawford?  Yes, its Tracy, the supervisor here at the swimming pool/horse riding academy/theater/science fair/beer hall.  Your child has had an accident, and when we were about to resuscitate her we noticed you had not filled in her health care card number.  What is the correct number please so that we might begin our procedures to save her life?"

Can we not deal with health care funding at a time other than when my child is lying unconscious or bleeding or lying on a gurney in the emergency department?  Can we just take care of the kid first - I'll bring in the card when I get there? 

Thank you. I feel much better now.  I need ten bucks for the field trip though.  Please hurry.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't #12

When Preparing Your Boat for the Coming Season:

-        Make sure your head is clean and operating normally
-        Check for leaks on your dinghy
-        Scrub your topsides with a mild detergent
-        Lubricate your shaft and make sure it isn’t bent

Startling Insights Ascertained While In The Shower #47

You don't hear the phrase "Heavens to Betsy" much any more.

Thank you.

How to Shop

Techno Shopping by Faceweb

Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't #11

Pertaining to Gardening...

·       You’ve got to get down on your knees and get dirty
·       Put it in the hole and watch it grow!
·       Trim your shrubs for faster growth
·       Some animal has nibbled on my bulbs

Monday, April 11, 2011

Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't #10

At The Masters Golf Tournament...

"Oh dear, he lipped out"

"Challenging hole placement this morning"

"He's young but he collapsed after 9 holes!"

Canadian Navy News

The Canadian Navy has outfitted its fleet of submarines with a new weapon system, since the torpedoes they bought do not fit into their torpedo tubes..

The new system combines a Threat Warning component, as well as Interdiction Technology, hence its acronym TWIT.

The TWIT Mark II system consists primarily of a beaver tail mounted to the top of the periscope, which in turn is attached to an actuator inside the control room. 

When a threat is detected, the beaver tail is rapidly deployed, resulting in a loud SLAP on the surface of the water, thus scaring away any predators, while also warning the rest of the fleet to the danger.

“This is a Canadian-designed and Canadian-built system” said the Navy spokesman.  “Once again, Canadian ingenuity and Canadian technology has won out.”

The system has a range of about 100 meters.  Within that range, any predators are startled, such that they scurry away from the submarine and any other nearby vessels. 

Outside of 100 meters, the audible sound of the tail slapping is alerts nearby allies to any threat posed by enemies.  It is not known how effective the system is against modern mines or torpedoes, but the system is certainly better than the original Beaver Tail Mark I  system, which utilized the delicious deep fried pastry type of beaver tale, rather than the actual bum leather of the Canadian Beaver.

“The old systems got all soggy,” reported the spokesman.  “They didn’t work well, and didn’t taste too good either” he reports.

We are waiting for reaction from our U.S. Navy counterparts.  However, they are on record as being in favour of any type of military expenditure, particularly that of Canada, since it is so rare.

The Start of a Column...

This is a little embarrassing to admit so bear with me.

My wife walked in on me the other day when I was giving myself pleasure. 

I happened to be lying on the bed, moaning and gasping, rubbing away, when in she walked.  She didn’t really take much notice, other than to say “Doesn’t that feel good?  It’s like you can’t stop once you start.  I might join you.” Oh yeah, baby.  Step over here and peel off those glasses…

Rubbing your eyes is like that.  (What did you think I was talking about, hmmm?)

What is it about burying your knuckles in your eyeballs that does that? Do you think it will make me go blind or anything?

One unfortunate side effect of a lifetime of eye rubbing seems to be my drooping eyelids.  The skin over my eyes seems to have stretched over time, and it makes each eye now look like a vagina.  I'll not horrify you with a photo just now.

*Columnist now puts chin on hand, drifts off, staring into space, trying to think of 500 more words to say about eye rubbing and wrinkly skin, without further mention of female genitalia.  I may be awhile...