Sunday, December 11, 2011

Interview with our New Mayor

In an exclusive interview with this reporter and several dozen other members of the media, the new mayor of our city recently held a press conference to discuss the affairs of the day.

I asked the first penetrating question. 

“Mr. Mayor, what is the capital of Djibouti please?  I’m doing a crossword.”

“Djibouti City you idiot.  Next question?”

An actual reporter stuck up his hand. "Mr Mayor, you've said publicly that you are not in favour of all the red tape at City Hall.  What do you intend to do about it?"

"Well, I think there are too many committees at city hall, which is slowing down development.  My first job as Mayor will be to form a committee to deal with these committees.  I’ll call it the Committee Committee."

"Will this be a standing committee?"

"Yes, it will be the Standing Committee Committee."

"Will the members of this committee stand during proceedings?"

"No, it will be a sitting Standing Committee Committee."

"So you have high hopes for this committee then?"

"I believe it will be an outstanding sitting Standing Committee Committee."

"You sound committed."

"Well, you can't have an uncommitted outstanding sitting Standing Committee Committee now can you?"

“What other plans do you have Mr. Mayor?”

"Well I’m on a mission to commission a commission for the Mission to find a way to transition away from the Planning Commission.  I’ll call it my Mission Planning Commission Abolition Commission Commission mission.”

“What else is on your agenda, Mr. Mayor?”

“I think we should nuke Rutland from orbit, just to be safe.  I’m sorry – did you hear that?  Pardon me!  I’m still working on my inner Mayor voice.  What I meant to say is, I plan on working closely with the citizens of Rutland to move forward with their, uh, initiatives. We’ll put the information out using Fritter.”


“Whatever.  Tomato, tomahto, twitter, twa…next question please?”

“What about your promise of cutting taxes?”

“Cut taxes?  I never said anything about cutting taxes!  I said I’d like to cut TAXI’S.  I believe we have too many of them on the road and we should reduce that right away.  I’m using science to determine the optimal number of taxis out there, a process I’ll be calling the Max-Taxi Cab Flab Lab.  Don’t blab about it.”

“Have you ever thought about being a rapper, sir?”

“I’d love to be a gum wrapper. Doublemint is my favourite.”

“Thank you for your time sir.  And let me compliment you on your tutu.”

“You haven’t figured out a way to end your column have you?”

“No sir, I have not.”

“Take out that tutu remark and I’ll let you hold the gold shovel at the next sod-turning.”

“Can I wear a hard hat?”



Saturday, December 3, 2011

Winter Memory

With cold weather now upon us, I am often reminded of foolish things I used to do when I was younger.  Things like getting my tongue stuck to an ice cold woman.  I don't know why I did it - she was just there and I felt the urge. 

I learned my lesson, though, and now prior to licking I warm them up with a blow torch.